we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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