There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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