the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
