I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
