when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
