dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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