you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize