this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
