Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
