Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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