my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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