suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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