I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just pee around me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
