I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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