I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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