You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
