He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
