Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
