The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
