i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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