her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
