I think my vagina is haunted
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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