Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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