I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
