my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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