i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
