I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
