I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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