And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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