I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Couch. On fire.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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