my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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