Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
