I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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