she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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