Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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