I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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