Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
