she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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