Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
