there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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