this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
