So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
