New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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