This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
