Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me