If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me