Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard