So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
