Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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