im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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