I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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