The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
