maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
