I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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