I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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