somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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