I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
