Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
