and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
