i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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