Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
