I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I supernannyed him into submission
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
