Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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