I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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