Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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