I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
