If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
